[rant] these memories are killing me

Assalamualaikum & Greetings.

i just hoping this rant gonna kick myself up to reality cos i'm too emo to even think right now (please excuse the random rant moments~)

so i listen to some of the song that used to be my jams in my childhood and it brings me back to each moments i once had when i am actually less awkward and actually friendly with everyone. (i'm really different now) there's this one particular memory that makes me tear up just now and i can't believe i just did. it was the moment i read all my past facebook status (i'm one savage and lame kid i want to bury my past gosh) i missed one of my friend. we've been friend for quite some time, until i decided to ended it emotionlessly. he's a very caring and lovely person and i can't believe i utter those words to him. but i have to clarify something on that text.

i told him i can't continue a forced friendship because that's how it have been this past years. not the middle school ones, but the ones in high school. we've been close friend since high school again because i decided to get closer to you. i can't deny the attention given cos well you're one nice guy that actually valued friendship with your life because you know how suck it felt being alone. that's how our friendship started on my point of view. i used you. and you have the right to be mad at me for two reason. the fact that i used our friendship just to get attention and also i ended our years of friendship without even meeting each other properly. now that i have been a very introvert person for just a few months, the guilt towards you surrounds me every single time the word "friend" is mentioned. i can't even motivate my sis about a longlasting friendship, i keep on turning off her spirits everytime she talks about her friends. i felt bad for her.

but then, i felt worst for my friend. he said that he forgive me, or that's how i interpret it. but i can feel that awkward vibe is already going on and i can't think of any other way than to meet him. but then, i'll be a very awkward person sitting there, having migraine to think of a topic to keep the conversation going. i have changed so much to the point that i can't even talk properly. i hate going to crowded places and i don't even make eye contacts with people nowadays. i don't know what have happened to me but that's not the worse one.

the worst thing is when i became too blunt with my words. i have made my tough sis (she never cry that easily), cried twice in a year. i make my ex-roommate (she's a strict and rarely cries too), cries eventho i knew her in less than 6 month. i hurt others so much nowadays i keep on feeling regret throughout my days. but, my sis said this to me. "better to regret on something you do, rather than something you never got the chance to do" that word kinda makes sense to me now. but then, i really hope i would find myself again before i hurt someone again

here also, i wanted to apologize for the past that i can't change, and also for the upcoming awkward moments that others have to deal with because i don't think i can change myself any sooner. i'm sorry. i'm deeply sorry. even if i'm so awkward in real life now, i really wished to meet all of my friends and said sorry to them right infront of them. and then maybe run away to the horizon while falling to the cliff cos i'll be really dead at that time. that'll be my most greatest achievement ever since i became an introvert. this post supposed to be a rant but i guess, even an introvert can have that "easily amused" side ey? i was about to make this post dedicated to someone, but nowadays there's been a lot of underrated appreciation of members in a group of anything, so i'm kinda sad that it's still going on. so, i'm all about the groupship (that's not a word, why do i even-) and unity (eventho i hate crowds and talking to people but hey teamwork is still the coolest thing ever)

here's a little sidenote dedicated to my dear friend,

i missed you. i can't think of any other word to actually say to you that'll turn the clock around again to where i don't say those words and hurt you but i don't want our years of friendship based on my dumb childish past. that thoughts will always linger around me whenever i met you. it's suffocating me too, that's why i need to clarify it, but i am really sorry that i ended our friendship just like that. i didn't even meet you, talk to you or even ask about you before and i totally ignore you after that. i'm really sorry. it was the time i was warded and i think too much on myself that i became selfish and my boys phobic becomes worst. (yes i still have that scared of boys thingy) if you're actually reading this then i can only hope that you would forgive me and accept me as a friend. because losing such a great friend like you have made me felt so sad. i cried easily, but this is my first time actually crying in thoughts of our friendship since the start (or since i remember) until this year. it hurts. the changes that happens because of me, i'm sorry. i know you're the only person that have the right to choose your friends and eventho i did those things to you, you still forgive me and chat with me. i can't be thankful enough. i am unworthy of such a good friend like you. that's why i'm glad you're surrounded by caring people around you. i can't be like them. they've always been there for you since the day they know you. i'm just one pathetic and clingy friend who always seek you when i need help and forgets you when i'm on my happiest days. i'm the worst. i can't say i've changed. cos i still didn't contact my bestfriend (mai) daily. but, my frienship with her is quite bizarre as we can actually not talk for months but still keep up over whatsapp. we can get tired of each other and still bother each other the next day. we can basically talks about anything or just spews random words. but eventho i have her, that doesn't mean i replaced his place in me. he'll always got that place in my thoughts. always. my childhood revolves around him. he knows a lot more of my past more than i do. it's so precious how caring he is to hold someone's memory for years. i've done a lot wrong things to you and i didn't even meet you yet eventho i tried a few times to make it happen. one day, i'll make it happen and i'll have a proper conversation with you even if i can't say anything. i'll try my best to. i hope you'll look forward to the moment where i gain my courage to meet you again. this time, i will listen. not just to respond back, but to actually remember the day i actually gain my strength again. i'm the worst in remembering stuffs, but i'll give my biggest effort to repay the years of ranting that i've been given to you. the fact that you remember the littlest details of it makes me even more speechless and touched. how to repay such a great friend like you? i don't think i can ever repay your kindness but you'll always be in my thoughts for that. thank you. for staying. for listening. for caring. for accepting. for understanding. for everything. i can't thank you enough. i suddenly have the thoughts to buy you a cadbury but then we're fasting, it'll be kinda weird (why am i like this lol ><) i know, it's hard to understands me most of the time, but your effort to stay patiently while listening to my emotional rants is :") i can't describe how great of a friend you are, you've been with me since we're 9 and the moment where we actually celebrate our years of frienships, the way you cherish each day spent and remember everything happening on point. i can't describe you with words. my vocabulary is basically limited but if i can use every word there is in the dictionary, i would say every great, precious, good, lovely, caring, nice, kind and it's synonyms to describe you. thank you again.

why do i always ended my rant with something emotional. i guess me and emotional is inseparable. sorry for the blog readers tho cos this is how i find a piece of myself again. so that i never forget the ground. i will always be distracted every other day but atleast with this self checking post, i would be reminded of important people in my life that have always been there wihtout me realizing. i have always love and cherish them, i just don't know how to express to them. they say, try to express it with your passion. i love to write, so there's goes :D

well this is awkward~ but anyway, Salam Ramadhan to every muslim, also Happy Going Back to School to all the school students (especially to my two sisters :*). I hope everyone is having a good day, and may you be blessed with happiness in such a blissful month. Good day and good night (for me)